Qur’anic Reflections

Subhan’Allah, Ramadan is upon us!  Alhamdulillah, the beautiful, heart-softening recitation of the Qur’an bysouthern California’s wonderful reciters helps awaken our hearts and minds. The goal of this project, as it is specific for the month of Ramadan, is to share personal reflections of what is read each day in Taraweeh Prayer. The Qur’an should be appreciated for how smooth and easy Allah has made it on the tongues of men, but more thought, reflection and gratitude should be expressed over the gems of wisdom and guidance that Allah has placed therein. May Allah allow every Muslim to benefit from this blessed month, and may Allah forgive each one of us for our shortcomings in not taking advantage of every moment in it.

Insha‘Allah, a group of individuals are submitting a post for each chapter of the Qur’an; we are working to get all of the reflections up as soon as possible so that we can all benefit from them while attending Taraweeh Prayer.

Please keep those who contributed to this project in your du`a’.

Introduction to Islamic Character

The Prophet (s) said, “Every Deen has an innate character. The character of Islam is modesty (haya).” (Abu Dawood)

The Definition of Haya’

Haya’ comes from hayat (life). It is that which keeps you ethically and spiritually alive. Just like a body gets its value from being alive, the spirit, soul, character and person gets their value from having haya’.  The reality of haya’ is that it is that trait which motivates you to do what is good. That same trait discourages you from doing anything shameful. It is the one quality that make Muslims stand out.

Words that encompass aspects of haya’: shame, humility, self-respect, honor, bashfulness, shyness

The Prophet’s Statements on Haya’

• The Prophet (s) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya’ is a part of faith.” (Bukhari)
• The Prophet (s) passed by a man who was admonishing his brother regarding Haya’ and was saying, “You are very shy, and I am afraid that might harm you.” On that, Allah’s Apostle said, “Leave him, for Haya’ is (a part) of Faith.” (Bukhari)
• Prophet (s) said: “Haya does not bring anything except good.” (Bukhari)

Our Purpose

Everything in our lives – from our relationships, our jobs, to our roles in society – are just a means to get to the final destination. Imagine introducing a computer to someone from the 10^th century. If you tell this person the computer will help them get through life but do not explain what it is for, they may protect it with their life but will never benefit from it because they lack the knowledge and training to do so. Their end will be protecting the computer instead of using the computer as a tool or means to achieving their goals.

This is an analogy for our experiences in life. In life we are lost when we first come to the dunya (world). It is vast and full of distractions, and we become attached to its many pleasures. But Allah did not bring us to life for the purpose of serving life, because life is fleeting and transitory. Rather, everything in this dunya is for a greater purpose. Allah tells us that our purpose in life is very simple: to worship Him.

“I have not created men and jinn except to worship Me.” (Qur’an, 51:56)

Everything from our beauty, our shortcomings, our experiences, to our passions – everything you can imagine – is meant to be utilized for the purpose of worshiping Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Unfortunately, we get so caught up in the distractions of this world that we forget our Lord. Allah says,

“And be not like those who forgot Allah (became disobedient to Him) and He caused them to forget their own selves (let them forget to do righteous deeds).” (Qur’an, 59:19)

How many of you have seen the Bourne Identity? The main character forgets who he is and what is his purpose; he tries to figure out why he has the skills that he has and what the purpose for them are.

We are Blessed

Imagine not knowing your parents. People who never received the blessing of knowing their parents will always have a part of them missing. Many of them develop resentment and anger as a result. If we understand the blessings we have been given, and that we are meant to be using them towards our purpose of pleasing Allahsubhanahu wa ta’ala (Exalted is He), we will understand the implications of our major. We will appreciate our body, our ‘ilm (knowledge), our rizq (set amount of sustenance from Allah). Believers are happy because their lifestyle is in harmony with everything around them – they understand that everything around them is working towards the one and only purpose of pleasing Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and helping them gain Jannah (Paradise).

A good example of this is the weather – instead of having a favorite type of weather (which is not bad) we will become appreciative of all different conditions. Even if there’s a blizzard – you can catch up with the things you need to do, relax with your family. Rain is not a bad thing – when it rains, our du’a’ (prayers) are more easily accepted! See the blessings of Allah in whatever happens to you. A Muslim who has a connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will have a connection with everything in a healthy fashion. Sunrise, sunset, moon phases, day and night – you will always know your place in the grand scheme of things.

Losing Yourself

If one does not know their purpose, they lose themselves. You start to judge yourself using personal, arbitrary criteria – an example would be artists like “50cent” and “Eminem.” They have renamed themselves and have their own criteria by which they judge themselves. Their value system keeps changing, depending on what they feel are their current passions. They’ll never be happy until they’ll subjugate their desires.

Inna maa bu’ithtu li atamimu al-akhlaq

The Prophet (s) said:  ”I was sent to perfect good character.” (Malik)

We cannot cover Islamic Character in four classes, so what should we focus on?

Options:

• Honesty is the best policy? Being honest with yourself.
• Sincerity – keeping our intention for the sake of Allah.
• Taqwa – sometimes we forget to fear Allah, or we fail to keep ourselves in check
• inna likulli dinan khuluqa wa inna khuluqa al-islam al-haya’ - Every Deen has an innate character. The character of Islam is modesty (haya). (Abu Dawood)

Reasons for picking Haya’

1. Most of the issues and questions that people have, and most of the people the Shaykh deals with as an imam or counselor, are due to lacking haya’. An example would be a man who cheats on his wife and is not embarrassed.
2. One of those statements that reached us from the previous prophets, is that “If you do not have haya’ do as you wish.”
3. Haya’ is so rare and foreign we don’t even understand what it means and what to look for.

Haya’ is Natural

Haya’ is so innate and natural to human beings, even animals, you wonder how people even lose it! In the story of the Adam and Eve, right after eating they ate from the tree, what happened? They had been dressed in Jannah before by the Grace of Allah; now they lost their privileges. Their immediate reaction was to cover themselves.

Haya’ and Hayat (Life)

Haya’ comes from the Arabic word for life, hayat. It is a quality that is alive, that breathes, lives, dies, grows, and reacts to different circumstances. It has also become something so foreign that we do not know what it is and what to make out of it. It is the only quality that you can never have too much of. There is no portion that is bad.

Haya’ is a sign of iman (faith). Haya’ is a quality of the believer. A person who had haya’ of Allah, Allah will grant him taqwa (consciousness of God). If a person has haya’ with Allah, it will make them honest because it will prevent them from doing something they would be shamed by. If one has haya’, it will increase sincerity because it will prevent one from duplicity, pretension, double standards, etc.

Some people associate haya’ with weakness, but it is not something that makes one weak. The Prophet (s) was said to have more haya’ than a newlywed on their wedding night, and he was the most successful individual in the history of the world. There is the criticism that this life is anti-haya’, so to have haya’ means that you are paralyzed and restricted. But the truth is that haya’ enlivens your heart.

Haya’: Part One

The Definition of Haya’

Haya’ comes from hayat (life). It is that which keeps you ethically and spiritually alive. Just like a body gets its value from being alive, the spirit, soul, character and person gets their value from having haya’. Haya’ covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together: amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.

Words that encompass aspects of haya’: shame, humility, self-respect, honor, bashfulness, shyness

The reality of haya’ is that it is that trait which motivates you to do what is good. That same trait discourages you from doing anything shameful. It is the one quality that make Muslims stand out.

The Prophet’s Statements on Haya’

- The Prophet (s) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya’ is a part of faith.” (Bukhari)

- The Prophet (s) passed by a man who was admonishing his brother regarding Haya’ and was saying, “You are very shy, and I am afraid that might harm you.” On that, Allah’s Apostle said, “Leave him, for Haya’ is (a part) of Faith.” (Bukhari)

- Prophet (s) said: “Haya does not bring anything except good.” (Bukhari)

The Relationship Between Iman and Haya’

What does haya’ have to do with iman?

• Your conviction determines how you see things and how you react to things
• Whatever you have faith in will produce haya’ in relation to that thing
• The stronger your belief in Allah, you realize you’re always in the presence of Allah subhaanhu wa ta’ala. The connection is there and thus that triggers haya’
• The more haya’ you have and exercise the stronger your iman becomes
• Haya’ will encourage the things that strengthen your iman and discourage things that weaken your iman
• They increase each other all the way until you reach a level that Allah is pleased with you (i.e. no limit)

The Prophet (s) said, “Iman and Haya’ are like twins, they go hand in hand .” (Hakim)

Various types of haya’ that we should have:

2 types (in terms of origin):

1. Innate, natural haya’ that we’re all born with(from your fitrah)
   • This type of haya’ comes from Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala; you can see it in nature and in animals. An example would be if you say “bad dog!” the dog will whimper – this is a reflection of it’s natural haya’ (shame).
2. Acquired haya’ (from your belief system, environment, etc.)
   • This is your code of ethics, and comes primarily from your culture and environment. If a person cultivates it, it will make him the best person he could be. If a person’s natural haya’ is destroyed, then it will be difficult for them to get this type of haya’.

Note: You can never have excessive haya’ – it has no limit.

Al-haya’u la ya’ti illa bi khayr.

Haya’ will not bring anything except good.

- the Prophet (s) | Sahih al-Bukhari

—

Al-haya’u khayrun kulluh.

All of haya’ is good.

- the Prophet (s) | Sahih al-Muslim

Areas to Excercise Haya’

There are three areas in which to exercise haya’:

• with Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala
• with people
  • some scholars also say with the Angels
• with yourself

Our Relationship with Allah

Yastakhfuna min an-nasi wa ma yastakhfuna min Allahi wa hu ma`ahum.

The hypocrites are those that hide their sins with people but not in front of Allah. (4:108)

This ayah, of course, applies to all those who are dishonest and hypocritical; they act one way in front of people and another way in front of Allah. May Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala protect us from hypocrisy. Ameen!

‘Alam ya’lam bi anna Allah yara.

Does he not know that Allah sees? (96:14)

Are we not aware that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala sees? Do we not realize how insignificant and weak we are in the sight of Allah? When a person loses their respect of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala and does not revere Him, they they will do whatever they want.

Ma lakum la tarjuna lil Lahi waqra.

What is [the matter] with you that you do not attribute to Allah [due] grandeur? (71:13)

—

Inna Allah kana ‘alaykum raqiba.

Surely, Allah is Ever an All-Watcher over you. (4:1)

Why can’t we fear and respect Allah subahanhu wa ta`ala as much as we fear and respect the FBI? Do we not know that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala has placed angels recording who comes to jumu`ah? Or that the angels are writing everything we do?

Be shy with Allah as you should be. – Muhammad (s)

The Prophet (s) told the Sahaba: “Have haya’ of Allah as you should.” They replied, “We do. We even made a nasheed about it.” The Prophet (s) said, “That is not true haya’. Rather, true haya’ is:

• Preserving your head and what it contains;
  • This includes your mind, your senses, your thoughts, emotions, and your heart.
  • Wala taqfu ma laysa laka bihiAAilmun inna assamAAa walbasara walfu-adakullu ola-ika kana AAanhu mas-oola. “And follow not that of which you have no knowledge. Verily! The hearing, and the sight, and the heart, of each of those you will be questioned. (17:36)
• Preserving your belly and that which it carries;
  • This includes what people consume of food, drink, money and that which is connected to it (lust, desires).
  • Be modest, moderate and balanced.
• Remembering death and what comes after it;
• Preparing for the Akhirah (Hereafter).
  • Fa man kana yarju liqaa’ rabi f al ya`mal `amalan saliha. “Say, “I am only a man like you, to whom has been revealed that your god is one God. So whoever would hope for the meeting with his Lord – let him do righteous work and not associate in the worship of his Lord anyone.” (18:110)

The hadith does not say “prevent” rather “preserve” – this means do things properly, not avoid them all together.

The Best Strategy

The best strategy, no matter how much you have sinned, is always to run back to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala. When Adam and Hawa  ate from the tree lost their privileges, Adam (as) knew he had sinned against Allah. Adam started running away and Allah asked him, “Adam are you running away from me?” A firaran minni, la haya’an mink. No matter how ashamed you are of Allah, you can’t run or hide from Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala.

The Story from Ibn Kathir

Ubayy bin Ka`b said, “Adam was a tall man, about the height of a palm tree, and he had thick hair on his head. When he committed the error that he committed, his private part appeared to him while before, he did not see it. So he started running in fright through Paradise, but a tree in Paradise took him by the head. He said to it, `Release me,’ but it said, `No, I will not release you.’ So his Lord called him, `O Adam! Do you run away from Me?’ He said, `O Lord! I felt ashamed before You.’”

How to Increase Our Haya’ with Allah

• Learn about Him
  • Everything we do and have is from Allah.
  • Sometimes we don’t even like to talk about Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala!! How do we even forget about Allah?
  • Sometimes we think that we can forget about Allah so that He will forget about us, but that will not happen.
  • Haya’ will lead us to ihsan (worshipping Allah as if we see Him) because we will constantly think of Him.

• Remember Him continuously – dhikr;
• Read His Message – the Qur’an;
• Pray Qiyam al-Layl (the supererogatory night prayer).
  • This is a private connection with Allah.
  • When you get up from sleep, just get up and remember Allah and just think about Allah. Say la ilaha illa Allah, don’t think about anything else, your exams, your friends, your phone
  • If this was the day I was going to go back to Allah, how would I would want to go back to Him?
  • If this is the first day that you’ve EVER had to do anything, how would you spend it? What things would you start doing for the sake of Allah?

Whosoever remembers Allah and it brings them to tears, that eye that sheds tears will never be punished.

Exercising Haya’

Ask: What shows me that I really have haya’ of Allah?

• If you really like someone, you will always think what will he/she think before you say or do. Do you do that with Allah?
• Watching your behavior when you’re alone!
  • The Prophet (saws) was asked about people being naked and the Prophet (saws) said avoid exposing yourselves in front each other. What about when you’re alone? Allah has a greater right for you to have haya’ in front of Him.
    • When you get too comfortable with yourself you won’t maintain your haya’.
    • Prophet (s) was advising the sahabah (his companions, may Allah be pleased with them all) to conserve water. One the sahabah asked the Prophet (s) about conserving water in times of abundance. The Prophet (saws) said conserve even if you are at a flowing river. It is all about the attitude – be shy and cautious.
    • Don’t be undressed or in a compromised position longer than you need to!
    • Abu Bakr (ra) would cover his face when would relieve himself because he would remember that Allah is watching.
    • Uthman (ra) would never took a shower standing upright.
      • We get really comfortable, we admire ourselves, we do crazy things in front of the mirror…some people even in front of their roommate!
    • Some of the sahabah never looked at their own private parts out of haya’.
    • Fudayl ibn `iyath said, “I have met a generation of people too ashamed of Allah to sleep the whole night.” We’re talking about qiyam here.

Try to do anything that will raise your haya’. Hold yourself more accountable, raise your standards with Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala.

Yahya ibn Mu`ath said, “Who ever obeys Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala out of haya’, Allah will have haya’ of punishing him on the Day of Judgment.”

Inna Allahu hayyiun Kareem. Allah is so generous and so gracious, He will be too shy to punish or reject that individual too ashamed to do a sin EVEN if He will forgive you. And if you do it, your haya’ will let you know that He will forgive you no matter the sin (except associating partners with Him – shirk).

There are people that lose their haya’ with Allah subahanhu wa ta`ala and Allah covers it up for them. When someone’s haya’ is TOTALLY lost, then they’re willing to expose their own sins

Assignment: Go through your phonebook, your texts, your emails, your facebook, etc. Look at all the things only Allah knows about….the files that you have saved up on your laptop or computer or phone. How many of those would you be very comfortable sharing with ________(individual that you respect the most)? Delete the ones that you would not share. Then write down how you felt afterwards.

Haya’: Part Two

Review – The Definition of Haya’

What does Haya’ mean?

• Shame
• Self-respect
• Honor

In Urdu, the word for haya’ is sharam.

Having Haya’ With Allah

Istahiyi min Allahi ta’ala kama tastahyi min rajulin salihin min qawmik.

“Have haya’ from Allah as you would have haya’ from a religious person you know.” – the Prophet (s)

Allah subahanhu wa ta’ala (exalted is He) knows what is hidden, so we need to have the most haya’ with Him. How do you develop haya’ with Allah?

• Learn about Allah: Why aren’t we as excited to know Allah as the people in the past? Why was the Prophet (s) the most attached to Allah? Because he knew Him the most.
• Read and study the Qur’an, the words of Allah.
• Perform qiyam (supergatory night prayers). This will cause resistance to haram (unlawful) things. It is a way to redeem yourself with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala after sinning.
• Do dhikr (remembering Allah with your heart and tongue) This should compensate for prayer if you cannot pray!
• Remembering death and the hereafter.
• Be with those that remind you of Allah.
• Reading the inspiring stories of the Prophet (s) and other righteous people.

How to Avoid Sin

A man would sin; al-Husayn ibn ‘Ali counseled him, if you wish to continue, then do these five things:

1. Do not eat from the sustenance of Allah
   • The man responded he cannot.
2. Escape the Kingdom of Allah
   • The man responded he cannot.
3. Commit sins where Allah cannot see you
   • The man responded he cannot.
4. When the Angel of Death comes, escape death
   • The man responded he cannot.
5. If you are sentenced to hellfire on the Day of Judgment, refuse to go there
   • The man said thank you, that is enough! Allah will never see me sinning against Him.

Kamal El-Mekki was speaking to someone about really connecting with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. So she says, “I’m convinced.” He asks her to take her shahadah. She says, “I’m not ready, I want to take my time.” He says, “That’s fine, I don’t want to pressure you. But until you make your decision just make sure you don’t die. Don’t drink and drive, fasten your seatbelt, because you’ll have no excuse once you die!”

Yahya ibn Mu’ath said to his students that if you really want to develop haya’ from Allah then develop haya’ when you do something good. When someone is always nice to you, humble and respectful – you let it go if they ever wrong you. “If you have haya’ with Allah when you do something (you’re humble and realize His role), Allah will forgive you and look over when you sin.”

Haya’ With the Angels

The second type of haya’ is that which is with the Angels. There are angels with us always, recording what we do.

Wa inna ‘alaykum lahafithin, kiraman katibin.

And indeed, [appointed] over you are keepers, Noble and recording. (Quran, 82: 10-11)

We are always “tapped” by the angels. Or do they think that We hear not their secrets and their private conversations? Yes, [We do], and Our messengers are with them recording. (Qur’an, 43:80) Be shy of the angels, never do things or be an environment that would hurt the angels or bother them. Angels are commanded by Allah to wait before they write down the evil things humans do, so that we are given a chance to repent. So keep in mind, even when you go to the restroom, that the angels are with you. Avoid things like bad smells, or crass language, or sexually illicit activity.

Inna al-malaikata tata’atha min man yata’atha minha bani adam.

The Prophet (s) said, “He who eats onion and garlic and leek, should not approach our mosque for the angels are harmed by the same things as the children of Adam.” (Muslim)

Myths when dealing with the Angels and Shaytan:

• Angels do not wait outside when you go to the bathroom.
• Do not worry about leaving the Qur’an open – if Shaytan reads it, that is good for him.
• Spaces between salah are not filled with Shaytan, but they can be used by Shaytan to sow seeds of discord or distrust.

Haya’ With People

There are three types of haya’:

1. Sincere Haya’: Those who have haya’ naturally, and have haya’ in public as well as private; this is authentic, sincere haya’. This is the best type of haya’.
2. Haya’ Deficiency: Those who have selective haya’ – haya’ in public, with certain people, but they do not have this haya’ in private.
3. No Haya’: There are those who don’t care and will act in any way in front of people – they do not have haya’ at all. Your natural, instinctive haya’ was killed. It is better to have haya’ in front of certain people and work towards haya’ with everyone, then to have no haya’ at all.

The Role of Culture

A lot of the variation of haya’ is because of the culture you are raised in. Culture either nurtures haya’ or destroys it. An example of this is the story of a brother who was raising his children in America. He walked into see his daughter sitting in a position he did not feel comfortable with – she was eight years old. Afterward, he asked his wife and kids to spend sometime overseas to study and gain some of the culture. When he visited them a year later she was sitting in the same position – but when he entered the room, she adjusted the way she was sitting. Some things must be picked up from the culture.  Shaykh Faqih could never imagine lying on his side when his father walks in; he would have to sit-up and change his position.

We need to adjust our level of haya’ and recognize what is needed and what is not. The worse of people are those who broadcast their sins, who have no shame in front of people or in front of Allah.

Areas in Which Haya’ Should be Excercised

In Marriage

Between a husband and a wife, there is little haya’ because they know each other so well. But in private, you are supposed to still maintain a minimum level of haya’. You also do not share your personal relationship with others.

Gender Relations

This is for people who are not married or related through blood; a level of haya’ is meant to be exercised between them. Some of the gender relations you will never understand until you are married. There is a level of haya’ that you won’t be able to connect to until you are married or you grow more mature. Once you get married you will see the wisdom of Islam. There was a sister that said she didn’t have a problem talking to guys, even married ones, and then she got married. One year after she got married she got bothered with sisters that talked to her husband. She would see things that she would say or do being done with her husband and she couldn’t believe it.

Personal Beauty

Haya’ is also being content with who Allah made you AND how He made you. If you are beautiful, you should not be shamed of your beauty but you should humble because it is a blessing from Allah. Sh. Faqih: “I personally think everyone is beautiful. Since the beginning of creation, there has been no one like you. Something that is unique must be beautiful.” When you look into the mirror, make the du’a':

Allahumma anta Hassanta khalqi fa-hassin khuluqi, waharrim wajhi ‘al-an-naar. Alhamdulilahil-lathi sawwa khalqi fa’adalah, wakarrama suurata wajhi fa’ahsanaha, waja’alna minal-Muslimeen.

O Allah! You made my physical constitution good so make my disposition good too and keep my face safe from the hellfire. Praise be to Allah Who fashioned and made me proportionate, and honored my face and made me of the Muslims. [at-Tabarani]

When anyone of us dies, we won’t refer to your body except as the body of so and so.

What is Not Haya’?

There is a type of haya’ that is not really haya’ – is it negative, it comes from shyness. This haya’ is the type of haya’ that prevents you from doing what is right or from seeking knowledge. This can be cowardice, riyaa’ (showing off), lack of confidence, ignorance or low self-esteem. When it is the truth, you should not shy from it, you should learn about it and share it.

Inna Allaha la yastahyi min al-Haqq.

“Allah does not have haya’ from the truth.” (33:53)

Exploiting Haya’

Do not take advantage of another person’s haya’. Someone who has haya’ will be sensitive and considerate of others, and will be shy of making fun of others. An example of this is when you compliment something of another and they offer it to you out of haya’, you should not take it. If you obtain something using the sword of haya’, it is haram.

Haya’ vs. Being Firm?

Haya’ does not mean weakness. The Prophet (s) was not weak, but he had haya’. An example of this is the Battle of Uhud, where the majority of Companions wanted to do something, and the Prophet (s) disagreed but went with the shura (general consensus). Afterwards, some of the companions were worried that they pressured the Prophet (s), but he (s) said:

Fa ‘itha ‘azmata fa tawakal ‘ala Allah.

If you make a decision, have reliance and faith in Allah.

The Prophet (s) taught the companions to be self-dependent and not rely on other people. If someone would drop his siwak, or his horsewhip, they would get down and get it themselves.

Question & Answer

How do we break the barrier of the culture aspect of ‘ayb* with our parents?

We should identify what is truly ‘ayb or not. For example, if parents say “Oh, you are talking to some boy, that’s ‘ayb.” When the Prophet (s) was in a dark area with his wife, two companions saw him talking to her. He (s) hastened after them to clarify that he was speaking to his wife – they replied, we would never assume anything of you! But in Islam we should always clarify; if there is room for doubt, Shaytan will try to whisper and cause conflict.

One time, Shaykh Faqih ran into a brother and in his car he had a six-pack. The brother waited for the Shaykh outside of the market and explained that the six-pack was non-alcoholic beer that was prescribed to him by his doctor to help with a bowel problem.  The Shaykh loved this because the man respected him, and the man followed the sunnah (tradition of the Prophet (s))!  As Muslims, we should not do anything suspicious. We should avoid shady things, in order not to put doubt in the other people’s minds and hearts. Shaytan is always the third. If you are in a suspicious situation, you should always explain it. You have to earn trust and respect.

*`Ayb means something that is shameful or inappropriate.

Can we have friends of the opposite gender?

The believing men and the believing women are awliya’ of each other. Wali (which is singular of awliya’) means protector, guardian, custodian, friend, steward. Steven Covey talks about how we are stewards of each other. If we violate something or do something wrong, we are putting each other at risk. Examples of this are drinking and driving or running a red light.  Be respectful of each other – you are brothers and sisters. Be protective and considerate of each other. Do not be overly considerate and nice (i.e. “you look cute today!”) Do not cross the line and share intimate feelings or become too friendly. How would you want your husband to talk to you if he was not married to you? How would you behave in front of your spouse with the opposite gender?

How do we learn about how to act in haya’ in front of each other?

We must inculcate an environment of haya’; we need to discuss what is haya’ and how to develop it. We must be a functioning unit, with decent relationships, that respects its boundaries. Make sure you will never have regrets. NO FLIRTING! Anything that you would accept from your spouse but that you would not expect him/her to do to someone else, that is something you should not expect from someone else.

If excessive haya’ is never bad, what if someone takes advantage of it?

Let it go, unless they are doing it viciously. Then address it. Deal with them on their mental level (khudi ‘ala ‘addi ‘alu).

What about different boundaries for gender relations? Some people do not think complimenting the opposite gender is wrong.

In American culture complimenting the opposite gender is flirting, so how is that acceptable? At one of the national conferences, Shaykh Faqih and Imam Zaid Shakir were with an auntie, a guy and girl in an elevator. The auntie says to Shaykh Faqih what you said about the Qur’an was so beautiful! The girl turns to the boy and says, nice shoes. He laughs and respond, yes I got them from this place.  They started flirting with each other in front of Imam Zaid and the Shaykh! This is an example of why converts get turned off by the behavior of Muslims at these conferences